As much as it kills me to admit it…

I still miss you.

I don’t really know anything for sure, but all I know is I’ve never been happier then with him. So I’ll hope that one day we can be together. And it might not ever happen, but I will always have hope that our fates will cross paths. And one day we’ll meet again. And just like before it will be instant. That we’ll see each other and it will be magic. He’ll pull me in with those arms and hold me hard. And our lips will meet perfectly again and for once everything will seem okay. It’ll be as if we never stopped. And I know things are different now. That we’re just flirty friends who live 1000 miles apart. But for me it will always be more. This is honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. With most guys it’s that they don’t like you or you’re not pretty enough. But no. With him he accepts my weirdness, singing, retarded faces, and giggling. Thinks they’re beautiful. So it’s not as if I’m not good enough. For once a guy actually cares about me and doesn’t just want to get in my pants. But I can’t be with him. Realistically he lives in Michigan and I live in Texas and he’s in college and I’m about to be. Long distance just isn’t in the cards right now. And that kills me. Literally everyday I have flashbacks of us. And they won’t stop. I’ll just be sitting in a dressing room and all of the sudden I’ll think of him wrapping his arms around me from behind me in that chocolate shop and kissing my neck, and then turning around in his arms and reaching up to lock eyes and have him kiss me again. And it’s so hard for me to just be happy all the time. I mean I’m really good at acting it though. I’m flirty and outgoing, but underneath I am hurting so badly. My stomach is in this knot and I can’t get it to go away not for 2 months now. There is just no doubt at all in my mind, I mean we talked about how we would love to date, that if we even lived remotely close we would be trying. And I would be so happy. The happiest I’ve ever been like that day at the beach. That was the best day of my life so far. 15 hours straight together. I would give anything to have it back. I’m so tired of living in my memories. But I honestly don’t know how to stop. I mean how am I just supposed to turn it off? My feelings, thoughts, emotions, brain…I have to believe that this has all happened for a reason. But its hard. Its so damn hard. Why did I meet him if he was only going to be ripped out of my life? How could God watch me cry night after night, I honestly do not understand. The only way I can try to make sense of it is through hope. That maybe we met because one day we will be together. And it will 100000 times better than I remember. So that’s why I hold on to the memories, texts, pictures, kisses, tears, hugs, snuggles, butterfly kisses, song lyrics, nose bites, eye gazes, noises, hair playing, tickling, dancing, lip biting, talks, jokes, walks on the beach, stupid moments, the cheesy lines, our first kiss, and hardest goodbye I’ve ever had to say. And I will try and live my life, and maybe I will meet someone better. But honestly I feel like it is going to be so hard to find someone like him. He has razed the bar so much in my standards on men. And not just men, but I how I feel. I can not even put into words how he makes me feel, but that right there is why people are alive. To find the inexplicable feeling of happiness and love. So for me to have that and just let it go because of distance? That seems stupid. So instead I’ll hope that someday things will change, hopefully this summer. And we’ll be seeing each other just like we promised. 

I’m amazed at how quickly you just turned off your feelings.

Im miles from where you are; I lay on the cold ground and pray that something picks me up. And sets me down in your warm arms.

-Snow Patrol